笑话

Once upon a time ,a stupid guy went to the doctor's.

\"What's the matter with you\

\"I have been broken all!\

\"Broken all,what's it mean?\

Then,the fool pointed to his head and said:\"Ouch!There is something wrong with my head.\"after that,he pointed to his back and said :\"ouch,my back hurt.\"then,he touch his nose and said:\"ouch,my nose hurt\"……

The doctor thought a while and said :\"you have a bad finger\"

从前，有个傻瓜去看医生。那医生问他有什么病。那傻瓜说他全身伤了。那医生很疑惑。接着，那傻瓜用手指着头说：“很痛，我的头伤了。”接着，有指着背，鼻子，说它们都伤了。

那医生想了一会儿，说：“你的手指伤了。”

英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

1.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

2.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?

Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.

Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?

Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.

妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？

弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？

妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。

弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。

3.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.

After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.'

一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，他们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。

饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想我是免了，”牧师说。“我不想让主知道我在这里。”

4.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?

Jack: Certainly.

Tom: And why?

Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？

杰克：当然应该了。

汤姆：为什么？

杰克：否则他就该跟我借了。

5.

I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.

'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.

'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.

我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐

心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。

“你为什么那么紧张呢？”我问他。

“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道

6. An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'

'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'

'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'

一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。

她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”

“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。”

店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”

“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”

7.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?

Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？

汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了

8.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”

9.Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?

Mr.Smith: Yes.

Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?

约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗？

史密斯先生：是的。

约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？

10.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.

'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'

'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对他抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”

“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。

Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,\"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen .\"

\"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down .\"the mouse said .\"I will tell a flea what I know.\"

为我所用

一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”

“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。

好笑的英文笑话

调查员：What is your father’s name?

小弟：Happy

调查员：What is your mother’s name?

小弟：Smile

调查员：Are you joking?

小弟：No that’s my sister。I am kidding.

An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.

\"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed.\"

\"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But

why have you added so many more this time?\"

\"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you.\"

While wisiting the cemetery,a sorrowful couple noticed a headstone,which read,\"here lies a lawyer and a honest nan\".\"look at that\so tight they're putting then two in a grave.\"

Lawyer Jokes :

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, \"Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man.\" \"How about that!\" he exclaimed. \"They've got three people buried in one grave.\"

__________________________________

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

now published by

court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he

woke up that morning?

A: He said, \"Where am I, Cathy?\"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

_________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

__________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A:Nice to meet you.

B:Nice to meet you,too.

C:Nice to meet you,three.

An Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

\"I have good news and bad news,\" the owner replied. \"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and

wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.\"

\"That's wonderful,\" the artist exclaimed. \"What's the bad news?\"

An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.

\"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed.\"

\"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?\"

\"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you

BUYING A HAT

A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: \"An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!\" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: \"I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!\"

I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF.

Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.

\"Hello, Miles,\" the manager said. \"I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.\"

\"Yes, sir, I am,\" admitted Miles calmly. \"You see, sir, it grows in office time.\"

\"Not all of it,\" said the manager at once. \"Some of it grows in your own time.\"

\"Yes, sir, that's quite true.\" Answered Miles politely, \"but I'm not having it all cut off.\"

But the teacher cried

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.

When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.

\"Was school all right?\" she asked, \"Did you get along all right? did you cry?\"

\"Cry?\" John asked. \"No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!\"

The difference between men and women

Jock was driving up a steep, narrow, tortuous, Scottish mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction.

As they pass each other the woman leant out the window and shouted: \"PIG!!\"

Jock immediately leant out his window and replied with \"BITCH!!\"

They each continue on their way, but as Jock rounded the next corner he ran into a pig in the middle of the road....

The Clock

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at

the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, \"What are all those clocks?\"

St Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\"

\"Oh,\" said Hillary, \"whose clock is that?\"

\"That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie.\"

\"Whose clock is that?\" \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.\"

\"Where is Bill's clock?\" Hillary asked.

\"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He is using it as a ceiling fan.\"

One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, \"Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result.\"

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, \"Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late.\"

At this point, one passenger became furious. \"For Pete's sake,\" he shouted, \"If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!\"

In the morning Mr.Smith comes into the garden at the back of his house. He sees much snow(雪) in the garden.Mr.Smith wants to take his car out, so he asks a man to clean the road from his garage(车库)to the gate(大门). He says to the man,”Don't throw any snow on that side. It will damage(损坏) flowers in the street, or the policeman will come.”Then he goes out.

When he comes back, the road is clean.There is no snow on the flowers, on the wall or in the street. But when he open the garage, he sees the garage is full of snow(被雪充满), the snow from the road, and his car is under the snow!

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, \"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA.\"

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, \"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA.\"

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, \"Thank you so much,\" hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, \"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA.\"

英语幽默笑话：

一：She Didn\"t Say Anything

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then

complete silence.

The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”。

“How do you know?” asked her father.

“She didn\"t say anything.”

二：I Have Turned It Over

A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It\"s too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”

The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don\"t think it\"s necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”

三、40 over Li lotus heart disease arises suddenly, is escorted to the hospital first aid. The condition extremely too bad, the Li lotus felt oneself nearly all already died.

In the rescue, the Li lotus has heard God's sound suddenly: \"You cannot die, you also may live for 45 years 6 months 02 days, has the courage to go on living!\"

Certainly, the result was the Li lotus miracle is revived. After the body recovers, the Li lotus thought oneself also can live for more than 40 years, then □has anxiously is leaving the hospital, first repairs the face, then makes up the lip, then is

the prosperous chest, finally is the thin abdomen, continuously has undergone 4 cosmetology surgeries altogether, then was called the specialized hair stylist to visit the service, changed has sent the color, has made the new tide hairstyle, the entire stature looked at □the young several years old.

After last the reshaping surgery completes, the Li lotus then happily handled left the hospital the procedure, □thought actually the ambulance which rapidly 驶过 by 撞死 in the entrance.

After the heaven, the Li lotus has been angry interrogates God: \"Since you had said I also may live for 45 years, then you should not eat the word.\"

God awkwardly 耸了耸肩, replies: \"Really is sorry, at that time, the vehicle hit when you... ... I have not recognized am you.\"

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?

Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,\"School-Go slow\".

老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?

汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着\"学校----慢行\".

Do You Know My Work？

One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in

their night clothes．

Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．

“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”

“You don't know my work，” said the other．

“What is your work？”

“I'm a policeman．

“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．

“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”

译文：（自己简单翻译）

你知道我是干什么的吗？

一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。

两个人站在外面，看着大火。

“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”

“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。

“你是干什么的？”

“我是警察。”

“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。

“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”

Who is the laziest

Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ?

Jack:I don`t know ,father.

Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word?

Jack:Our teacher ,father.

英文幽默:爱因斯坦与天使长

Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

\"I'm terribly sorry,\" says St. Peter, \"but your suite is not quite ready yet and you'll have to spend a week in temporary quarters.\"

Arriving at the dorm, Albert finds he'll be living with three other gents.

\"Hi,\" says the first man, \"we're well-matched as I have an IQ of 180.\"

\"Great,\" says Al, \"we can discuss quantum physics.\"

The second man says hello and mentions he has an IQ of 159.

\"Well, we can discuss the latest mathematical theories,\" says Einstein.

The third introduces himself and says, \"I'm honored to meet you sir, but my IQ is only 85.\"

\"No problem,\" says Einstein. \"So tell me, where do you think interest rates are heading?\"

1）Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

钞票不是万能的,有时还需要信用卡.

2）One should love animals. They are so tasty.

每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃.

3）Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

要节约用水,尽量和女友一起洗澡.

4）Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

要用心去爱你的邻居,不过不要让她的老公知道.

5）Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

每个成功男人的背后,都有一个女人. 每个不成功男人的背后, 都有两个.

6）Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚,幸福不是永久的嘛.

7）The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.

聪明人都是未婚的,结婚的人很难再聪明起来.

8）Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的联系.

9）Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

不要等明天交不上差再找借口, 今天就要找好.

Boss’s idea

When my printer’s type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned .Because the shop charged 50pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer’s directions and and try the job myself .Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked,“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied,“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first”

One day ,Mary came home from school with a drawing in her hand and very big tears in her eyes .she had drawn a picture of her new house and a boy had made fun of it.

“One boy in my class said it was awful. He said I would never be an artist.” She made a very sad face.

“I’m sorry ,Mary,” said her mum

“He was wrong .This is a good drawing.”

“You have to say that You are my mum,” sniffed Mary ,

Dad looked at the picture and smiled his biggest mile“What a lovely drawing,Mary!You

Are a fine arist”

Joke:son-in-law

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. \"What are you doing?\" asked the mother.

\"Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband.\" The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator.

\"What the hell are you doing?\" he asked.

His daughter replied, \"I already told mom. I'm 40 years old now and I'm ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.\" The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other watching the football game on

TV. \"What on Earth are you doing?\" she cried.

The husband replied, \"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law!!\"

最后那个笑话我看了半天

解释一下:vibrator:振动器